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That moment the universe slaps you in the face.
From the moment we decided to take on this journey I felt so sure. So sure of the decision to sell everything, so sure of the idea to up and leave. Nothing was easy or simple but it was exciting and it was happening. I was putting in the work and I knew it was all going to work out exactly as it should.
And then my dream job lands in my lap. The job that thousands of people apply for. The job that I’ve wanted forever. The job that could change everything. The job that did change everything. It changed everything I thought I knew and believed.
This has literally been every single lesson I’ve ever had to learn in my life all wrapped up into one. It was the ultimate bitch slap. From the second I read the email saying I had the interview to the second I made my decision I was so stressed and felt more uneasy than I had ever felt. The doubt and questions were overwhelming. It wasn’t just that I was caught in between two decisions that would change the rest of my life, but I was being asked to question my character, my dreams, my heart and the people I love. Would I listen to my gut and honour my heart or would I choose the easy way out like I always had? Would I do the hardest thing I’ve had to do up until this point in my life or would I take the opportunity that everyone thought I should take because on paper it was absolutely perfect?
The more I asked for advice the more annoyed and hurt I got. People who had been over the moon about my decision to pick up and leave were all of sudden throwing that out the window and saying I’d be crazy if I turned this down. They weren’t even interested in the travel idea anymore; that was silly and irresponsible. This job is once in a lifetime and I’ll always be able to travel. True. And False.
I think walking away from this job opportunity is one of the most empowering things I have ever done. For once in my life, I cancelled out everything everyone was saying. I let myself get still and silent and just felt. Felt what it was like to take the job. Felt what it was like to say fuck it and go travelling. Felt what it was like to truly listen to my heart and soul. My choice goes against every single logical decision. It goes against everything we’re taught growing up, it says no to what this society says we must do in order to live a fulfilling life. I do not, for one second, believe that I need to work a corporate job just so I can enjoy the perks. I choose what my life looks like and I choose freedom. I choose hard. I choose uncertain and unstable. The hardest things in life are usually the most fulfilling and meaningful. I know this is exactly where I am meant to be and I know opportunities are going to continue to flow into my life as I keep an open mind and open heart.
I didn’t think anything could be harder or scarier than disappointing the ones you love but then I realized how soul shattering it would be to disappoint myself. This was 100% a test to see just how committed I am, just how much I’m willing to sacrifice for myself, and I have no idea if I passed or not but it feels absolutely amazing to know that I made this decision for myself and no one else. I put myself first when it seemed impossible.
Be well & Say Yes To YOU,
Amanda